Stuck

​When I wrote this I was in a very dark place, desperately seeking transition that I thought would never come.  And then it did.  Literally after I wrote this piece, the Lord sent me a dove carrying an olive leaf. And shortly after that, I was free. 

~

When you’re too tired to feel the value in what you do, life sux. 

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I’m always behind.  

Unable to enjoy the breath in my body, I suffocate

From deadlines and duties conspiring to keep my heart bruised.

Freedom is a luxury, an ephemeral oasis that lures my mind but taunts my body

I can’t escape

I’m stuck in a black hole of gum & glue drowning me in the quicksand of my thoughts and desires

I breathe

Only to inhale black smoke

I die a thousand deaths in my daily living

I’m a ship sailing but unmoving & unable to set myself free from my insane reality

Of having lists and dates that will never be met no matter how hard I try

I ask God, why??? 

Do I have to be here drowning in a million tears, fueled by fears of unarmed men and uproven philosophies

When I crack

At the possibility of being free

Because it’s too much for my soul to imagine

I feel safe inside here where I can navigate the landmines destined to sabotage my life & limb

Out there I won’t know where to look or where to wait for my demise

So I remain insane, intact, inside, where my breath emits, even if shallow

Cuz when I fall out there, I won’t know how long I can hold it.