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Waiting For Someone To Save Me

1/27/2015

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I wrote this after I applied to at least 60 different places in the hopes of finding a better job and heard nothing in response. My spirit was dwindling because I had believed the hype that the more degreed you were, the better your chances of finding respectable employment would be - a position that would allow you to live and still pay off your student debt. But the shittiest economy I had known since 2009 taught me that degrees or not, if the economy is bad - EVERYONE is doing bad, albeit some probably worse than others. So when I was teaching on a salary of about 20K a year, I couldn't stop asking myself: what was the point of getting those degrees anyway? 
~
I keep waiting for someone to save me.
 
Tell me that all those years of work and perfecting my knowledge was worth the lack of friendships and personal hell.
 
Anger turned into bitterness – I hate – downsized corporate gloominess stifles the ability to laugh, turning dreams into blackened smoked licorice
 
Gutting my heart I breathe, resentful of the breath that keeps me alive
 
Scissors to my soul my patience is waning
 
Slavery inside my mind
 
Open door, close another, never seeing, always following glimpses of shadows that fade into night I run like the slave dog chasing a scent
 
Nothing but stars and open fields
 
Where is my heart
 
I left it lying in a field, dancing under the moonlit sky
 
Graves nearby, what is that smell?
 
Hopes buried by economic doom I’m in a dungeon
 
60 tries to escape but rejected every time, why does the rain piss on my clothes
 
I can’t stand the stench of fecal matter inside my brain this is SHIT!
 
Two two-hundred-thousand dollar degrees should be worth more than footprints of promise dissipated by sand
 
Dream or drown
 
It’s the same fuckin funk
 
Fat free fix forever fine fake feminine feast
 
I keep waiting for someone to save me.
 
To rescue me, to tell me that I’m worthy.
 
I keep waiting for the chance to reap the fruits of my labor, and the opportunity that will make me say that the blood, sweat and tears of a $200,000 education were worth it.
 
I’m waiting.
 
And in the meantime I doubt, I fear, and I second-guess.  My soul, my future, my worth.
 
Unhappy, I live.
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Stuck

1/22/2015

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​When I wrote this I was in a very dark place, desperately seeking transition that I thought would never come.  And then it did.  Literally after I wrote this piece, the Lord sent me a dove carrying an olive leaf. And shortly after that, I was free. 
~
When you’re too tired to feel the value in what you do, life sux. 

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I’m always behind.  

Unable to enjoy the breath in my body, I suffocate

From deadlines and duties conspiring to keep my heart bruised.

Freedom is a luxury, an ephemeral oasis that lures my mind but taunts my body

I can’t escape

I’m stuck in a black hole of gum & glue drowning me in the quicksand of my thoughts and desires

I breathe

Only to inhale black smoke

I die a thousand deaths in my daily living

I’m a ship sailing but unmoving & unable to set myself free from my insane reality

Of having lists and dates that will never be met no matter how hard I try

I ask God, why??? 

Do I have to be here drowning in a million tears, fueled by fears of unarmed men and uproven philosophies

When I crack

At the possibility of being free

Because it’s too much for my soul to imagine

I feel safe inside here where I can navigate the landmines destined to sabotage my life & limb

Out there I won’t know where to look or where to wait for my demise

So I remain insane, intact, inside, where my breath emits, even if shallow

Cuz when I fall out there, I won’t know how long I can hold it.

 

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