When I wrote this I was in a very dark place, desperately seeking transition that I thought would never come. And then it did. Literally after I wrote this piece, the Lord sent me a dove carrying an olive leaf. And shortly after that, I was free.
When you’re too tired to feel the value in what you do, life sux.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I’m always behind.
Unable to enjoy the breath in my body, I suffocate
From deadlines and duties conspiring to keep my heart bruised.
Freedom is a luxury, an ephemeral oasis that lures my mind but taunts my body
I can’t escape
I’m stuck in a black hole of gum & glue drowning me in the quicksand of my thoughts and desires
Only to inhale black smoke
I die a thousand deaths in my daily living
I’m a ship sailing but unmoving & unable to set myself free from my insane reality
Of having lists and dates that will never be met no matter how hard I try
I ask God, why???
Do I have to be here drowning in a million tears, fueled by fears of unarmed men and uproven philosophies
When I crack
At the possibility of being free
Because it’s too much for my soul to imagine
I feel safe inside here where I can navigate the landmines destined to sabotage my life & limb
Out there I won’t know where to look or where to wait for my demise
So I remain insane, intact, inside, where my breath emits, even if shallow
Cuz when I fall out there, I won’t know how long I can hold it.