Jada

Every Saturday she went to buy her happiness at Macy’s

but came back disappointed when she couldn’t find that perfect suit.

It was all she needed to feel better

And she was adamant that when she found the suit, she would.

The next Saturday came.

She found the suit, but she still wasn’t happy.

She needed a bag.  Just the right bag.

She bought three of them.  And later returned two.  She needed a different color scheme, she decided, and coral was just too much of one color anyway.

Next Saturday would be MAC time!

She was dying to get the newest shade of retro chic lipstick that would make her look like the diva she knew she was meant to be.  Olivia Pope watch out now!  Jada’s gonna be the new girl in town, and she’s been watching you!

But there was always one thing.  The shopping never erased the loneliness she felt.  The emptiness she felt from unresolved feelings from her past that accompanied her on each trip.

Her room grew with stuff that she eventually didn’t know what to do with.  Her lists grew longer and her frustration larger.  She needed a new object to focus her attention on the lack of motivation she had been feeling for a few decades (or maybe years?) now.

She never wanted to go back to that corner of her mind that told her to sit still and dig deeper, to feel the loneliness and conquer it.  She needed to avoid it at every cost, even if it meant wasting her weekends away doing nothing and not taking strides to achieve her long-held, aching dreams.

She was scared she’d get bored.  She was scared that even after fulfilling her dreams, there would be nothing left to make her feel satisfied.  She was scared to think that maybe what she needed weren’t lists, but forgiveness for the persons who hurt her in the way that they did.

She buried herself deeper in unconquered lists.

Next Saturday, they’d be having a one-day sale at Macy’s and she just had to get that new Coach bag.  It was going to look great with her fabulous new suit.  There’d always be time to finish doing those things that were on her list.  And she wasn’t going to be late for that sale.